Tuesday, May 13, 2008

How Wude!

As Jar Jar Binks might put it. In a situation that felt like the beginning of something Kafkaesque, I was accosted by a saleswoman at the supermarket trying to push samples of some bloody biscuit. I hate these promotional people, so much so that when I see them standing in an aisle I'll reflexively pull away and return to that aisle later, when the coast is clear. This is partly because they can be nagging, irritating assholes, and partly because they sometimes look so desperate that I feel bad telling them I'm not interested.

Anyway, to get back on track, today as I'm heading for the cheese rack I see her out of the corner of my eye, waiting to pounce; it's too late to turn back without looking like a chump, so I change course slightly to walk in a wide arc around her. To a sane human, this ought to be a clear sign that I don't want biscuit samples, but this crazy woman just darts in front of me and starts telling me about this promotion. Politely as I can, I say no thank you, I'm not interested, and start to walk away, but she moves those first two steps with me and says, quite impudently, that I should just try a sample. I repeat, slightly more firmly, no thanks... and then it happens. The non smile she was supposed to be wearing disappears faster than Iraq's WMDs, her face turns as rigid as Skeletor's, and she gives me the coldest, freakiest glare one would hope never to behold in the dairy food section.

This supermarket Medusa's icy stare holds my upper body transfixed, unable to look away even as my legs continue walking, probably making me look like some kind of strange sideways walker or a deleted scene from 'The Exorcist'. She may have been the spawn of the Devil or Cthulu, looking at me as if my rejection of those biscuits was the greatest sin since the Original (TM). And then I finally tear my eyes away and scurry off to where the cheese is, out of sight of her accusing visage. I manage to later sneak back past her while she's busy accosting other customers.

AAAHHHH! My point is, can't a guy buy some cheese in peace anymore without having to go through this sort of bizarre, unnerving, and wholly unjustifiable treatment? How freakin wude!


Darwin said...

Ah, another missed opportunity! The possibilities are endless! Off the top of my head-

-Say that you are lactose intolerant so you can't eat cheese. If she presses you, react with a loud 'Woman! Are you trying to murder me! Do you realise I can sue you for this?!'

-Try the cheese and then spit it out and walk away. She'll be too shocked to call after you.

-Try the cheese and then pretend that you are having an allergic reaction to it. Extra points for foaming at the mouth and pretending to have a fit whilst thrashing about on the floor.

-Say cheese consumption is against your religious beliefs and if she presses you, yell as loud as possible 'The Devil! The Cheese! They are one and the same! No cheese! ARGHHH!!'

-Come up with a cheesy one liner (pun oh-so-totally intended) and ask her out on a date :D

Next time my friend, next time. Don't forget! Oh, and you're very welcome :)

Antimatter said...

Hahaha, y'know, I never thought of it that way! There's just one tiny little problem, this woman was peddling biscuits, not cheese! I was heading for the dairy products section to buy cheese. Although, it does raise the question why would you promote biscuits near the dairy products???

As for your suggestions:

1 - Could do this with biscuits if they were sweet and I claimed to be diabetic!

2 - Works with biscuits too. Though, if they were tasty I'd feel bad doing it!

3 - Might happen for real... :D I foam at the mouth all the time!

4 - I got nuthin! This should work for anything, anytime, anywhere.

5 - Hah, yeah but if we hit it off and she ended up preggers, based on her stare* I might be partly responsible for bringing Rosemary's Baby into the world (although it wouldn't, strictly speaking, be Rosemary's, but you get my meaning)!

* Disclaimer - some of my post may have been exaggerated for comedic effect. I bear no grudge against this poor woman, she was just doing her job, albeit badly!