Friday, November 03, 2006

Fading Away

I'm fading away from the people around me... Or rather, I already have. I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, but it did. And it's partly, perhaps mostly, my fault. I withdrew into myself, and being naturally introverted, it didn't seem like much of a change. The reasons - a growing dissatisfaction with the status quo, which only ever seemed to change for the worse; and a primal, irrational hatred which lives on even now.

As I said, it didn't seem like much of a change, but it does now. Recent events have made me realize this. To pull away from normal interaction meant I minimized all of the negative interaction... but the cost of this was the loss of positive interactions as well. I now watch these from the sidelines, as an outsider. I could probably join in, but it would feel like I didn't really belong anymore.

It's strange how you can feel alone even while living amid several people in a relatively confined space. I don't mind being alone, truth be told; I daresay I relish it. I can survive with little company, and have done so in the past. But to feel alone while being among other people, that can be difficult. Which is why, I suppose, I hate hanging around with people I don't much care for and becoming an outsider. It's a painful experience, and I refuse to be accommodating - forced cheerfulness requires a lot of effort, and even the consumption of large volumes of alcohol fails to make it any easier. Ooh, a digression... better get things back on track.

I try to think of how I could change things, make them better, but I'm at a loss really. My reasons for being this way are the same, and I don't think I can change myself to overcome them. Yeah, I can't better myself Picard, though I dearly want to! The old canard about starting things over and doing things right someplace else is always tempting, but even if it were possible, I suspect things would deteriorate eventually. But at least there would be a slim chance, and for a while, hope... and if it were not for hopes, the heart would break, as the old quote says.

I can't believe I've written an entry like this... I've succumbed to the temptations of anonymity at last. I'm tempted to delete this and close the browser. Maybe I should. Or maybe I should post it as a testament to my frazzled state of mind on this day. Yeah. I think I'll go with that. I know I'm going to regret it later though. heh heh...

If you're looking back on this post from the future, I hope you've got your act together, you wanker! May the Force be with you! How's the weather?


sanity index said...

You are your own toughest critic. Who's going to judge you on this post except you? :)

But to feel alone while being among other people, that can be difficult.

I know the feeling all too well! The only thing to do is to change where you live/work and/or the circle of people around you. Actually, just a change of geograghy did a whole lot for me. Finding people with whom I click is more difficult. You kind of already have to know people to know more people...

This kind of thought will return until you resolve it, so, I bid you good luck. :)

Antimatter said...

A change of geography sounds appealing. Very appealing. I'm not too concerned with meeting lots of people, networking (ugh) isn't my thing, but as with you I get along with very, very few people, so I'd need to meet lots of people to find people I actually like! It's a bit of a catch 22.

The only way to beat the game is not to play!

Thanks for the good wishes. Hopefully, I won't return to this topic again!

sanity index said...

Oh no, the thing is, I get along with just almost anyone I come across, which is why employers, parents, elders, etc. love me. But there are very few people that truly know me and all of my quirky sides.

In this day and age, though, I'm not sure anyone is not forced to play the game. :(

Antimatter said...

Well, I suspect that's true of most people to some extent... very few people are truly known, although some are perhaps better known than others. And some, like you, wear impenetrable disguises... ;)

I, sadly, am not too great at playing the game... I'm polite enough for the most part, but I can't bring myself to be friendly :D So people KNOW that they don't know me.

I guess that makes me a known unknown, and you an unknown unknown!

sanity index said...

Haha. The best disguise is to look normal and blend in with the crowd! That, or just look plain boring. :D

I think both of us would be helped if we were born extroverts. :)

Antimatter said...

I do the boring thing well... As for your extrovert suggestion, it'd work [good] but then we wouldn't be who we are now [bad].