I'm fading away from the people around me... Or rather, I already have. I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, but it did. And it's partly, perhaps mostly, my fault. I withdrew into myself, and being naturally introverted, it didn't seem like much of a change. The reasons - a growing dissatisfaction with the status quo, which only ever seemed to change for the worse; and a primal, irrational hatred which lives on even now.
As I said, it didn't seem like much of a change, but it does now. Recent events have made me realize this. To pull away from normal interaction meant I minimized all of the negative interaction... but the cost of this was the loss of positive interactions as well. I now watch these from the sidelines, as an outsider. I could probably join in, but it would feel like I didn't really belong anymore.
It's strange how you can feel alone even while living amid several people in a relatively confined space. I don't mind being alone, truth be told; I daresay I relish it. I can survive with little company, and have done so in the past. But to feel alone while being among other people, that can be difficult. Which is why, I suppose, I hate hanging around with people I don't much care for and becoming an outsider. It's a painful experience, and I refuse to be accommodating - forced cheerfulness requires a lot of effort, and even the consumption of large volumes of alcohol fails to make it any easier. Ooh, a digression... better get things back on track.
I try to think of how I could change things, make them better, but I'm at a loss really. My reasons for being this way are the same, and I don't think I can change myself to overcome them. Yeah, I can't better myself Picard, though I dearly want to! The old canard about starting things over and doing things right someplace else is always tempting, but even if it were possible, I suspect things would deteriorate eventually. But at least there would be a slim chance, and for a while, hope... and if it were not for hopes, the heart would break, as the old quote says.
I can't believe I've written an entry like this... I've succumbed to the temptations of anonymity at last. I'm tempted to delete this and close the browser. Maybe I should. Or maybe I should post it as a testament to my frazzled state of mind on this day. Yeah. I think I'll go with that. I know I'm going to regret it later though. heh heh...
If you're looking back on this post from the future, I hope you've got your act together, you wanker! May the Force be with you! How's the weather?